Dear Future Husband/Boyfriend/Lover/Friend,

There may be a few things about me you might want to know. These are things that are always lurking in the back of my mind; the things that make me difficult and amazing all at the same time. I’m going to tell you now, so you don’t have to chip at my wall, slowly. Because there is a wall- I am very aware of it. I’m going to tell you because this might make you find the real me on the inside; the one dying to come out.

I have been pushed, pulled, dragged, wrestled to the ground. I have had things thrown at me and my head. Things that might have caused me to go unconscious had I not ducked. I have been called a whore and a slut. I have been called a cheater and accused constantly of things I did not do. I have been told I am not good enough. Not good enough to be treated right, respected, or even loved.

I have had a man pull me down the stairs by my leg. I have had a man hover over me to intimidate me, to threaten me, to make me feel weak.  I have had a man tell me I am disgusting, tell me he does not want to touch me because I am ugly and fat.

I have had a man try to turn me against my friends, my family, myself. I have had a man leave me a hundred times only to come back and make promises that were never kept. I have been lied to. Constantly. I have had my heart torn into so many unrecognizable pieces, I wondered if it was ever worth putting back together.

I have had a man turn me into the worst possible person I can possibly be. I cursed, yelled, insulted, and threw things back. I let the insecurities I never possessed flow into me and take over. I was turned into a monster, because it was the only thing that allowed me to survive and feel a shred of strength. I saw my soul morphing into something grotesque- so I started to believe what he was saying was true.

I have also been ignored to the extent where I even questioned my own existence. I have been silenced.

I have been lifted up only to be kicked down. Repeatedly.

I have been told I’m sexy. That my body is good enough. But only for one thing. I have been told that I don’t deserve to be pleased. I have been used.

I have been tricked.

I have been taken advantage of.

I have been made to feel ashamed, humiliated, sinful.

I have been looked at, like the only thing I have to offer is pleasure for someone else.

I have been talked to like I should have never been born, like I am the slimiest slithering serpent.

I have been broken.

But I still love myself. I still respect myself, take care of myself, and am myself. And I will make this promise to you: that I will love you like none of this has ever happened, like no one has ever dragged me through hell, like I did not have to dig tooth and nail to climb out of the deepest, darkest hole, alone.

I will love you as much as you love me. I will be the woman you always dreamed of if you promise to respect yourself enough, to be the man you always wanted to be- the man that has one of the strongest women standing by his side.

I do not need your flowers and empty promises. I need your honesty, your respect, your unconditional love and support.

I need you to wrap your arms around me on my weakest days and tell me everything will be alright. I need you to listen if I’m whining, but stop me from myself, when you see I am getting in my own way. I need you to want to get to know me. The real me. The me you will allow yourself to fall in love with because you are strong and able and completely unafraid.

I need you to be happy. Because I am happy.

I tell you this now, so you know.

I can’t wait to meet you.

Sincerely,

Me