I’ve been asked, on many occasions, whether or not I’ll get married again. That’s not necessarily a question one should ask a divorcee, but etiquette isn’t the topic for tonight’s scribble. As I sip on this chilled glass filled with pink moscato, I contemplate the thought of having another person rip me into shreds, in a million different ways again, and the thought terrifies me. My answer, now, is always the same.

Ask me the same question three years ago, and it would have been a quick, stern, and decisive “Hell No.”

Not just a “no,” but a really sharp “HELL. NO.”

But, I’ve done a lot of growing, a lot of accepting, a lot of forgiving, and a lot of loving in the past few years; mostly accepting, forgiving, and loving myself. I never claimed to be perfect, and when a relationship ends, it’s always two sided. Both parties are always at fault, one way or another, but, for a year or so, when the question was asked, the answer has steadily been consistent: “I didn’t want to the big, huge, white wedding the first time. I definitely don’t want it a second time. But- if i find someone, fall in love with him, and getting married is what HE wants, I would do it one more time, for him- for his happiness- the way I would have imagined marrying the right person would have been.”

For me, marriage doesn’t mean anything. For me, just the promise you would make to someone has always been enough. Making vows doesn’t stop someone from hurting you, or cheating on you, or leaving you. It just makes it expensive and difficult. What I want, if it was meant in the stars for me, is love and happiness; finding the right person to explore the world with, having someone to swim through the shit with, discovering, with someone, that love is really such an intense and spiritual connection, and not being afraid of it.

I think, no- I know, I’ve definitely been afraid to give someone the power to destroy me by loving them, but what I learned is how beautiful it really is, when it’s right. That was something I may have lost sight of in the midst of building myself back up after having someone incinerate every aspect of who I was, who I am, and who I was supposed to be.

So- will I get married again? Probably not. Being married has never been a dream or a goal of mine. If I am lucky enough to be blessed with love, real love, and maybe a family, I don’t need a piece of paper telling me my relationship is real. I guess the victory is finally being open to it again.