There have been countless thank yous in my inbox, countless moments of people exemplifying my courage in talking about struggling with PTSD, depression, and anxiety. Some people like to snicker and use my openness as a call for attention, but it is just that. It is a call for attention: Attention and Awareness that the person you may be sitting next to could possibly be suffering, the person who you see and think “Wow- I want to be as strong and as courageous as her” is battling with a war inside her head on a daily basis.

I can not begin to describe what it feels like to have someone say “Have you ever  considered medication?”

The fear, the shame, the guilt, the worthless feelings on top of the already worthless feelings of not being good enough or strong enough or just enough. And although there are some people who most definitely need medication, I have decided I am not one of them. I could be doing myself a great disservice by not actually allowing myself to feel ease, I could be continuing my exhausting journey of fighting with myself on a daily basis, but one thing I can say is different: Being open and explaining to people when you are going through an episode really brings on more understanding and support than you can imagine. I used to hide and avoid. I used to be ashamed of my struggle, but now I have learned my limits, I have learned to just say “I’m having a bad ptsd day, so I think I’ll just stay home until I have a handle on it” or “I’m not ready” or “I need a little bit more time” or “I have to sit in my feelings today and deal with it.”

It’s empowering. It’s liberating. And it filters out the people in your life that you don’t need or that don’t deserve to be there.

One thing I’ve learned about my ptsd is that it tells me “no.”

“Nope- you can’t do this. Nope you can’t go there. No- they don’t like you. No- you are not good enough.” and most days, I believe it, but the first step, the hardest step is remembering who you are, remembering what you love, and doing it. It’s an uphill battle when life gets in the way, but the worst thing we can do when suffering from any type of depression or anxiety is forget and neglect ourselves.

Today was a huge feat for me. I got up and did something I love. I remembered who I was and decided it was time to stop neglecting myself. I come first. My health comes first. My mental stability comes first. That is what I am going to repeat to myself: I am important. I come first. Every. Single. Day. And knowing that I can do that is the reason why I decided medication is not for me, and I would rather be exhausted with the fight than give up my control over my own life.

I am brave.

I am open.

I am important.

I come first.