Sometimes, the easiest thing for me to do is write. Not lately. As much as I am open in describing my efforts, my struggles, my 33 year young wisdom, I am also reluctant because there are so many people who will misread, misinterpret, and use my vulnerabilities against me. It is what it is.

I’ve been down. Happy but down, if that makes any sense. When people think of PTSD, they don’t think of women like me. They don’t think of women at all, really. They think of war vets, and so they should, but do not forget the people who have suffered trauma you know nothing about. I am so open about it, the struggles, the defeats, and the victories, but I am open about it to strangers, not those closest to me. I don’t know why. There is a very small number who know my story(ies). And there are maybe 1 or 2 who knew how to calm me down in the midst of an episode, but what I learned is that those people are also my triggers.

Here is my biggest struggle: worthlessness. In a regular moment, I know my worth, my value, and I do not need validation from anyone other than myself. That is not the case when I fall into my hole. Now, I am aware when I’m in it, and I have quite a wonderful handle on it. It doesn’t have a hold on me like it used to. I am open- I can tell my friends I am not up for certain things and the reason for it because I am no longer ashamed. I am, however, an isolator. I have to sit in my feelings and ride the wave, because if I don’t, if I suppress the feelings and pretend they aren’t there, the next episode will be harsher and harder to come out from. Those who know me, who really know me, know what that looks like.

Aside from the movies playing behind my eyelids, the feelings of worthlessness, the fear, the self-hate, despite the fact that I truly love myself, I am truly proud of myself, in my everyday life, in my moment of weakness, all that goes out the window. That is what I want people to understand about the mind- it is in your head and you can’t escape it some times. It’s like a wave crashing down on you, catching you, making you tumble out but pulling you back in, and as you get your head up, take a breath, another one. And another one, until finally, you’ve rolled back out onto the sand and the only thing that is left is froth and exhaustion.

You never know what struggle or battle someone is going through in their head. Do not downplay someone else’s struggle. Do not write it off because you don’t understand it or because you think someone is “weak.” I am one of the strongest people I know, but you’d never know that when I am hiding from the world.  And many don’t know that I even do that because of the appearance I have created. 99% of the time, I’m good- but that 1% is ugly and hard and incomprehensible.

Take the time to ask a few extra questions instead of judge someone. Take the time to smile at someone who looks like they need it instead of misinterpreting their demeanor. Sometimes, a little check up, a hug, a smile, a high five, a simple acknowledgment can make all the difference to snap someone back into their normal selves. Sometimes, it can’t. It’s not anyone’s responsibility to “fix” another person, but it doesn’t cost anything to just be kind.