So, I recently started a podcast, and instead of just winging it, I decided to write down what I wanted to talk about first. There’s more in the podcast than this, but here is a piece on toxicity and toxic relationships.

Here is the podcast: https://anchor.fm/lenigian/episodes/Life-with-Leni–Episode-2-Toxicity-egd0k2/a-a1pvrs

Toxicity

Some of us are so unaware of what may constitute as toxic because of the things we are used to. If we are used to toxic environments and family systems, how can we a) identify the toxic traits we possess b) the toxic traits those around us possess c) how those toxic traits affect us and those around us. We are not the only ones affected by toxic patterns and behaviors, we also affect others. 

First and foremost, let’s define toxic. What does it mean to be toxic?  We know what toxic products are. We know we shouldn’t drink bleach, well at least some of us do, because they are toxic and we can die from it, but when we think about it in a psychological, mental, emotional, spiritual aspect, we seem to forget what it means. Or maybe we don’t know what it looks like. It is poisonous, venomous, dangerous, destructive, harmful, unsafe, deadly, not only to your body, but to everything you embody. It causes suffering and pain. It causes injury and damage. 

The term is used very often: being in a toxic relationship, and we automatically think romantic. A relationship with a family member can be toxic, a relationship with a boss or a coworker can be toxic, and relationship with a friend, a neighbor, a doctor can be toxic. The relationship you have with yourself can be toxic. We don’t have to automatically assume that a toxic relationship is only a romantic one. And we also tend to think in the relationship, the man is the toxic culprit. First and foremost, heterosexual relationships are not the only ones that exist, and gender has absolutely nothing to do with the toxicity of an individual, so lets get that out of the way right now. Anyone can be toxic, even you.

I can speak for myself. There was a point in time when I, most certainly, became toxic. I was in a toxic relationship for a long time. I think many of my relationships were, in fact, toxic and not only because I was in them, but what I believed was normal, what I believed I deserved or didn’t deserve, what I believed or perceived to be healthy because I was so used to being unhealthy or being part of something that was unhealthy. 

I grew up in a very loud household. Now this is not to knock my parents for anything because they did the best they could with what they had and with what they knew. Neither one of parents had parents who taught them proper coping or communication skills, so how could they pass those skills on to me if they didn’t have them themselves, right? But I did have more than they did. I had so much more access to knowledge, different people, and different lifestyles to learn for myself. That’s why I became as aware as I have been, not only to identify the harmful behaviors of others, but eventually, the harmful behaviors in myself. So, slowly but surely, I learned. But we have to think about that- what are we used to? How did we grow up? What to we perceive to be the norm? Is it really normal? Is that normal healthy? Is it unhealthy? Does it cause me harm? How do I know? Oh God I don’t know!

It’s all very confusing. So it’s also really important to identify healthy aspects of relationships. What makes a relationship healthy? 

Love. Ok- but we may have grown up thinking love hurts or to show someone how much you love them you tolerate bad behavior until you make yourself sick. That’s not healthy. That is, in fact, toxic. 

Let’s get one thing straight, love isn’t easy, but it sure as hell doesn’t make you lose your mind. When you love someone or when someone loves you, they don’t want to see you hurt. They will go above and beyond to make sure you are not hurt. If people intentionally hurt you and claim love, it’s not. But then you have to think about what is love for them? What did they grow up with? How do they view love? What were they taught about it? What were those people taught about relationships? It’s all so much.

I think, if you find yourself uncomfortable, always uncomfortable, and not the kind of  uncomfortable that is challenging you to think, learn, and grow- the kind of uncomfortable that keeps you in a state of anxiety or fear, that’s toxic. If you feel you have to look over your shoulder because you might be doing something wrong, it’s toxic. If you find yourself apologizing all the time for expressing yourself, it’s toxic. 

Healthy relationships are open. They are honest. They are authentic. Healthy relationships allow you to be yourself. They don’t allow you to continue being toxic, if you are the toxic one, but you can feel a genuine vibe. You don’t feel you are being abused or the other party doesn’t feel like you are abusing them. Which then leads to a whole other discussion of what constitutes abuse. 

Abuse is a control of power- and there are many way to be abused, again, not just physical. 

You got intimidation, coercion, threats, financial abuse, abuse of privilege, minimizing, denying, blaming, isolating, guilt, gaslighting, belittling, the list goes on and on. 

If you find yourself in a relationship where any of these are happening, it’s toxic. Are you the one doing them? They you’re toxic. How can you tell if you are or if someone is doing it to you. First and foremost, listen. You have to learn to listen- to the other party and to yourself. It is a slippery slope if you have been the one abused and then questioning if you are the abusive one. Some people are so good at manipulation that they will get you to blame yourself. It’s part of the toxicity. 

But I guess you can think of it like this: your family member/ friend/ partner/ boss/ coworker/ or whatever individual in said relationship- are you always feeling bad? Are you always worried about what to say or how to act because of what might happen if you upset them? Are they putting you down with explicit insults or passive aggressive remarks. If you tell them how you feel, do they blow you off, or play it off like it’s not a big deal? I mean, we will always find ourselves in situations like these because some people are absent minded, but is it a constant? One isolated incident might not necessarily be toxic- it may be a mistake, but think about the behaviors, actions, words, situations, feelings- are the pretty constant or consistent? Relationships shouldn’t make you feel bad all the time. You shouldn’t feel bad all the time. If you do, yea- it’s probably toxic. Address it. It’ll probably take more than one or two times, mainly because we all have our ideas of what is ok- but set the boundary. Whatever you are not ok with, draw that line- politely, respectfully, but firmly. If after a couple times, it is still disrespected- you have your answer. Be aware of your boundary though- just make sure it’s rational, because some people have this irrational idea and expectation of people. I don’t mean like stand your ground in a way where you tell your partner they have to buy you a 10k gift and they say no, that they’re toxic. Or if you expect your mother to wash your clothes every day even though you’re a grown adult and she says no, she’s not toxic. Maybe you are. Or if you expect your friend to listen to you all the time but don’t offer a reciprocation, maybe you’re the toxic friend. 

We’re talking basic human courtesy. If basic needs are not met, it’s toxic. It’s them- or it’s you. 

If there is a balance and equality in the relationship, then maybe it’s ok. Any relationship will have its ups and downs, doesn’t mean it’s toxic, but if you are in a situation where you are feeling down, anxious, worried, fearful, like you can’t be yourself- it’s prob not a good one and you should rethink your presence in it. Or if you find yourself making others feel bad, reevaluate your thoughts. How can you improve? And if you don’t know, seek help. Help is out there for everyone. And don’t be ashamed of it. It’s a beautiful thing to grow and be better. To stop participating in toxic relationships or to stop being that toxic person. It’s a beautiful thing to self reflect and become, if you aren’t already, healthy or healthier.