Link to podcast- Episode 3: https://anchor.fm/lenigian/episodes/Life-with-Leni–Episode-3-Boundaries-egpm75

Boundaries. What are they? How do you set them? How do you know when a boundary is appropriate? How do we not feel guilty for setting them? How do we know when the time is right? How do we know we even need to set them?

By definition, a boundary is a dividing line, a border, a partition. It provides a limit, how far you or someone else can go. Countries have boundaries. Houses have boundaries. Streets, towns, parks, beaches, everything has boundaries. People should too. 

We aren’t born with boundaries. Think of a small child. They do what they want, when they want, how they want, and if you stop them, they wail and scream like they are in excruciating pain and dying. No boundaries. But as we get older, we learn. Our parents set rules, expectations, etiquette, limits: boundaries. They’re hard to learn and even harder to maintain. But how are they maintained? How do you teach a child to respect the rules and boundaries of people, places, and things? Consistency. You stay consistent in enforcing that rule and, eventually, the child will learn it as a set behavior. In teaching that set behavior, a child is also taught how to cope with the emotions of not being able to do what they want, when they want, how they want. If they throw tantrums and you give in, guess what? A tantrum throwing child will grow into a tantrum throwing teen and, eventually, will grow into a tantrum throwing adult. Now, all kids throw tantrums, that’s normal, but it’s always the ones who are not disciplined properly or taught to deal with difficult emotions that will not allow others to set boundaries or even respect the boundaries already placed, as an adult. If they are so used to getting their way, why would they stop if it has worked. Think of the adult that throws a hissy fit every time they don’t get their way. Think of the adult you have to tiptoe around because you don’t know how they will react to something they don’t like. Think of how hard it is to say no to that adult. Can you? Will you? Or for the sake of your own sanity because you don’t want to hear them, will you just give in? This adult knows no boundary. They are the takers of the world. They will take and take and take until you have nothing left to give, but they will find something, take some more, and then, they will find someone else to take and take and take, giving nothing in return. 

So- boundaries. Some people know them, some people have them, some people respect them. Some don’t. It isn’t your job to discipline an adult. What is your job is to stay consistent with your boundary, how you feel, keep yourself comfortable and not accept someone who is constantly disrespecting that. If you say no to something, stick to the no. Of course, this is all hypothetical. Every individual situation is different. 

For example: Touching. Some people hate being touched, for whatever reason. Some people are huggers and are all about human contact. Both are ok but- boundaries. So let’s say you hate being touched. It doesn’t matter why, you just hate it. And let’s say, you make a friend who is a touchy feely person. They have to hug, touch your arm, playfully tap you when you make a joke- all harmless. No ill intention behind the touch. But it makes you uncomfortable, not because you think they are creepy or anything, you’re just not ok with it from anyone. How do you set that boundary? Assuming it’s innocent, you would firmly explain “You’re very touchy feely and that is ok, however, I am not comfortable being touched by anyone. It is something I really don’t like. Please respect how I feel and refrain from touching me.” Will they be offended? Maybe. They’d probably be more offended if you say something like “Stop fucking touching me.” The approach is different. The first approach doesn’t insinuate anything is wrong with their behavior, it is just something uncomfortable for you, while the second one is saying there is something wrong with it. The second one doesn’t set a boundary properly, it damages the trust by making the other person feel judged and put on the defense. Now, again, this is assuming it is an innocent and respectful friendship, because if a stranger tried to touch me in some inappropriate way, I’d definitely go with the second. 

Sometimes, we grow up with so many rules, we don’t have the courage to set boundaries with parents, family members, friends, coworkers. We think we’ll get in trouble if we stand up for ourselves. Parents or guardians may not allow you to have your own thoughts, ideas, feelings because you are their child and they can do with you as you please, and then, if you stand up for yourself you get punished. So, as an adult, you learn to be a people pleaser, allowing others to do what they want, when they want, how they want, while ignoring the boundaries you should be setting for yourself. You grow up being uncomfortable and unable to speak for yourself, so that discomfort is normal. It’s setting the boundary that becomes uncomfortable. If this is the case, you have to unlearn what you know. You have to understand that it is ok to set boundaries. You don’t have to be afraid of them, and you definitely don’t have to feel guilty for setting them. How many times have you said “Aww it’s ok, I feel bad” and went on to do something you are not comfortable with because you are so used to being trampled on. That’s what it is when you don’t set boundaries- you are being trampled on and others are benefiting from you not having them. Harsh truth. Sorry not sorry. 

Usually, the two types pair up. There are more than those two types, of course, and not everything is so clear cut, but those who know no boundaries usually find people who don’t set them. The boss who doesn’t respect your time and the employee who allows the boss to invade their personal time and space in a detrimental way, not a dedicated way. The partner who gets everything done for them but does the bare minimum, calls it effort, and is accepted because the other partner is afraid to ask for more . The friend who takes advantage of the other friend, who always does things for them at the drop of a dime, but is always busy when needed. People who know no boundaries have absolutely no problem setting them, let’s be clear on that. They get what they want. It’s people who don’t set any boundary that end up suffering, usually silently.

The work has to be done by those who don’t set any boundaries. I bet you’re exhausted. You always feel used and alone, and you don’t know how to stop it. You stop it by not doing things that make you uncomfortable. You stop it by not accepting the minimum. You stop it by identifying and addressing your discomfort. You stop it by learning how to say no. No is a complete sentence. You don’t have to say “no because…” you just have to say no. I usually follow it up with a no, thank you. I have had people try to guilt me into doing things I really don’t want to do. I stand my ground. I stick with my no. I don’t allow anyone to sway me or guilt me. I shouldn’t have to feel guilty for saying no to something I do not want to do.  I don’t have to explain to anyone why I am saying no- that doesn’t mean I don’t. Sometimes, there is an excuse, but sometimes, there’s not. “I just don’t want to” is enough of an explanation if you want to give one. That doesn’t mean I am not reciprocative in my relationships. It just means I firmly set the expectations others should have. It took a long time for me to learn this, but upon realizing I am harming myself while others are thriving off my silent distress, I realized I am important too. YOU are important too. 

So how do we set boundaries? First, we have to think about the things we do that we don’t want to or don’t feel comfortable doing. We have to understand that the only person we are responsible for is ourselves and we don’t owe anyone anything. Nothing. Not moms or dads or grandparents or brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, partners,  friends, bosses, coworkers, strangers, no one. That doesn’t mean don’t do anything for anyone. What I am saying is don’t do things that bring you discomfort, harm, or a constant struggle. Why are we always putting ourselves last? When you put yourself last, you teach people to put you last too. “Oh, it’s ok. So and So doesn’t mind.” But so and so does mind. So and so just hasn’t said anything about how much they mind. So and so HAS to say something. So and so HAS to learn that they have a voice and so and so has to use it.  So and so is going to break down and blow up one day if they don’t and it won’t be pretty. So and so is me. So and so is you. So before you get there, you have to remember, even if your voice shakes and breaks, you have to stand up for yourself. What’s the worst that can happen? You lose a selfish friend? Your egotistical, greedy, self centered partner leaves you? Good. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone where you are giving 200% of yourself and they take all of it. 

Some of us don’t know how to stand up for ourselves in the moment, just yet. And that’s ok. You’re learning. Don’t beat yourself up over it. This is a big change and you will lose people. You will. You have to know that. People who can no longer benefit from you will leave. As they should. And learning to set boundaries takes courage, strength, and consistency. You’ll get better because, with all things, practice makes perfect. 

Sit down- make a list. List the things that you cause you distress with the people who expect you to do them. Who, What, When, Where, Why, How. Write it down. And then address it. Talk to the person who makes your relationship feel imbalanced. You could say something like “I want to make you aware of some feelings I have, but because I am not good at saying things on the spot, I wrote them down and will read it.” It’s going to be awkward. They will be thrown off. In their mind, everything was fine and dandy because you never said anything. Be aware those reactions will be normal, and you have to acknowledge that, as well. You can say “I know this seems weird since I was always ok with it, but deep inside, I really wasn’t and I need for it to stop if we are going to continue a fair and equal relationship” whatever that relationship may be. 

Even after addressing the issue, people will forget. They’ll push your boundary again. They’re used to not having any. It is your job to stay consistent. Like I said earlier, it is not your job to discipline anyone, but it is your job to teach people how to treat you. You’d think someone would just know, right? They should. They really should. But everyone comes with a story, and upon meeting, you have taught them what you will allow, by accepting things you should never have accepted. And that isn’t anyone’s fault. It just has to change. Now, if you stay consistent, and you are still being disrespected, you aren’t dealing with a decent person. But if that new boundary is respected, and the person you are setting it with is putting in the effort to adapt, continue on. People will show you who they are. You have to listen to that. 

Setting boundaries is a form of self respect, self care, and self love. It’s about listening to yourself. Many of us aren’t taught to do that, and sometimes, we learn it later in life, usually after some damaging and destructive events occur. It’s ok. Sometimes, we have to go through the lowest of low to finally realize we have to treat ourselves right. Setting boundaries is just the beginning. Listen to yourself. Use your voice. And if you lose people in the process, learn to be ok with it. The only people who will leave are those who never cared for your well-being to begin with. You shouldn’t want those people around anyway. Don’t forget though, in setting your own boundaries, you have to be aware of the boundaries of others. If you aren’t sure, ask them. Communication in all relationships is the key. It’s hard, but it is the key.