Listen to Episode 4: Toxic Masculinity here: https://anchor.fm/lenigian/episodes/Life-with-Leni–Episode-4-Toxic-Masculinity-ehbnbd/a-a2in821

Our society has a huge problem. Well, they have many problems, but today’s issue is to tackle this idea of “be a man.” As if the idea of being a man is a cookie cutter image that doesn’t come in all shapes, sizes, colors, thoughts, ideas, behaviors, emotions. Uh oh. Did I say a bad word? Emotions? In the same sentence as men? How dare I?

Now, let’s not confuse what I am going to talk about today with the idea that I am not a feminist. In today’s society, if you’re not a feminst, you’re just sexist, but when I say feminsit, I mean, a woman can choose to do and be anything she wants. A feminist that supports women to choose. That ranges from subservient housewife to powerhouse CEO- I believe women should be whatever she wants to be, and that includes the notion of men being what they want to be as well, without society telling them they are less than because they don’t fit into the box they stuffed us in. 

So let’s get this out of the way. Men. Have. Emotions. Men. Have. Feelings. Men. Can. Cry. Men. Can. Be. Sensitive. Men. Can. Be. Gentle. Men. Don’t. Have. To. Always. Want. Sex. Men. Can. Need. And. Ask. For. Help. Men. Can. Have. A. Mental. Illness. Everyone can. And guess what? They can still be strong. Whaaaaaaaat?

We have been brought up in a society to believe that being a man means being tough and hard, aggressively dominant, not showing any emotion, just keep going, just keep providing, just keep sweeping the problems under the rug until they break and then, what do you know, they are no longer looked at as men. 

I’m a woman and I was brought up that way. Don’t show emotion. Keep it moving. Don’t address the issue. Pretend everything is ok. And of course, that “masculine” side of me wasn’t very appealing to many. But that’s not the topic for today.

The topic for today is for us to understand how toxic this type of thinking and pressure is on our boys. It’s not the notion that masculinity is inherently toxic but , more so,  that it can be. Why do we have to raise them to be emotionally suppressed, aggressive, and dominant? This just makes for emotionally suppressed, aggressive, dominant, and very fragile adults. And when I say fragile, I don’t mean emotional- I mean overly macho and harmful to the people in their environment that have to deal with them when that poisonous notion of “manliness” is questioned.

You know, when we think about men, we don’t necessarily think they can be victims. Victims of abuse- all sorts of abuse: physical, mental, emotional, sexual, psychological, spiritual, financial. When we think about domestic violence, we don’t think about men being victimized. We immediately think the woman is a victim. And that isn’t to say women aren’t victimized, we just don’t believe men can be, too. 

When we think of cheating, we don’t think about men being cheated on, we think of men as the cheaters. That isn’t to say men don’t cheat, but they, too, get cheated on. We just don’t acknowledge it as we should. We blame the man, as though the woman is the victor in finding someone better, even when they are the one that is harmed by bad behavior. 

When we think about rape, we don’t think about men being victims, we think about women. People laugh it off, like it’s impossible for a man to be raped. But it happens. And it is hardly ever reported because of the stigma. “How can a man be raped?” That’s what people ask. Or when a young boy is sexually abused by an older woman, people tend to give him a high five instead of looking at her as a predator. Men can be raped, forced into sexual situations they don’t want to be in, emasculated if they don’t want to have sex, like there is something wrong with them or have their sexuality questioned. “He must be gay.” Why? Why is that even an insult?

 When we think about parents, we automatically give the credit and decision making to the mom, as though dads don’t matter, as though fathers aren’t parents and can’t possibly understand the concept. “What do dads know about being a parent?” It’s all about the mom, and the family court system agrees. They just want fathers to pay instead of being an active part of their child’s life, but then, we call them deadbeats when they are beat down by the system and their family. Why?

 When we think about crying and men, we think it is weak. It isn’t. We shame our boys and groom them to be emotionally unavailable and stone cold but then blame them for it. That isn’t fair. I can’t say I am free from putting this type of pressure on men in my life- I have, in the past. I, too, was raised to think in a certain way about gender roles; what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman. My family broke that barrier a long time ago. Our men need love. They need to feel safe to express everything they have been taught to hold in. They’ve been so damaged by our systematic discriminatory ideals and we have to change that. 

Many cultures don’t allow men to be who they are. They are forced and bound to be who the culture expects them to be. They don’t even acknowledge mental illness. “What do you have to be depressed about? You have a roof over your head and water to drink?” Or the idea that other people have it worse. Go to church, they say. Talk to your priest or pastor. Reconnect with God and your religious community and your depression, anxiety, ptsd, will just go away. Just like that, magic. No.

We teach our boys to “be a man” that they don’t learn proper ways to connect with other kids. Everything becomes a competition. Gotta keep up with the boys club, gotta compete and make sure the girls aren’t better, so they learn to objectify them because, boys and girls or men and women can’t “just be friends.” We teach them crying is for girls. We teach them that being gentle and in tune with emotions is a weakness. We allow boys to be boys, as though that isn’t harmful to everyone, including the boys. We don’t allow them to explore who they actually are, and then when they don’t have the skills to treat people properly, we dub them as pieces of shit. And maybe some are, because sometimes the core of a human is really shitty, but maybe some of them aren’t- maybe some of them didn’t have the freedom to be soft and kind and caring and nurturing. Maybe some of them didn’t have the opportunity to even identify what their feelings were let alone be taught how to cope with them properly. 

“Be a man!

Be strong!

Be tough!

Endure all the pain in the world

But don’t you dare express it.

What are you a sissy?

You’re crying like a girl.”

As though that’s a bad thing. 

“Be a man!” 

How fucking toxic. 

We have to let our boys and men know that it is ok to feel. It is ok to have emotions. We have to help them learn to identify those emotions. Well, not just men, everyone, but more specifically, those men who were raised to believe that it is weak to have or show any emotion. Anger is not the only emotion that exists. Anger is not the only emotion they feel. Anger is not the only emotion they can express. Anger is not the only emotion they should act upon and we should not encourage actions revolving anger because those just become violent aggressions that hurt others along with themselves.

We have to let them know that seeking out help is ok. Asking for help is ok. Needing help is ok. Helping other men is ok. Seeking help from other men is ok. Showing and expressing emotions to men is ok. That way, perhaps we won’t raise a homophobic, emotionally unstable, misogynistic, violent society.  Maybe we will raise boys and men to be helpful to everyone including themselves.