Link to podcast: https://anchor.fm/lenigian/episodes/Life-with-Leni–Episode-5-Forgiveness-eii39n

Forgiveness

It’s a touchy subject: forgiveness. Then again everything I write or talk about is a touchy subject. As my partner says: You always want to have uncomfortable conversations. Yes. Yes, sir, I do. It’s the only way to face the hard truths about ourselves and those around us in order to make the necessary changes to be better people. I’m about that life. 

 It’s annoying, I know. Sorry, not sorry.

Forgiveness- the decision we make to not harbor any feelings of resentment or ill will towards something or someone that has caused us harm. It’s possible. That’s what they say. Whoever “they” is.

I have been through so many phases when it comes to forgiveness. I think with time, age, experience, and just the notion of mortality, my perspective of forgiveness has transformed into so many different things. Every large situation that needed forgiving in my life went through their own set of stages and phases, in their own time and in their own way. 

Every situation was different and needed to be handled differently, but I think as I learned and grew and worked on myself, I realized different things about different people and different situations that has led me to my current belief on the matter of forgiving someone who has harmed you.

The nature in the situations that need forgiving I am sort of basing this piece on are situations that caused intense pain and discomfort. Big time betrayals. Not little moments of anger where minor feelings were hurt. 

My phase 1: Pretend like nothing is wrong, so the need for forgiveness isn’t even necessary. Forgiveness? What forgiveness?

I did this for a huge portion of my life. I brushed things under the rug, they didn’t happen, they didn’t affect me, I don’t know what you’re talking about, moving forward, I have no feelings or emotions or thoughts on acknowledging anything or anyone who has been trying to destroy me. Forgive what? There’s nothing to forgive because nothing happened. This was my definition of strength. 

So unhealthy. 

My phase 2: Colorful anger and rage after finally acknowledging a situation occurred: Eff that. Eff them. Eff everyone and everything. There was no forgiving anyone or anything. I was angry. I hope you all die 1000 deaths, you revolting individuals who have nothing better to do with your time than prey on good people. And I trusted nothing and no one. Ever. No one was good. Everyone was out to get me. And they got the hardened version of me, the emotionless, unaffected version of me that took no shit from anyone even if they were right. A new definition of strength. Still, so very unhealthy. 

My phase 3: Forgive them even if they aren’t sorry, not for them, but for yourself. I heard this a lot from people and I started to believe it. I even told people to forgive others- and it is true, harboring ill feelings is poison for you, but this was the I forgive everyone phase. You sexually assaulted me? I forgive you. You stole money from me? I forgive you. You put me in harm’s way? I forgive you. You abused me? I forgive you. You lied to me and about me? Betrayed me? Intentionally caused me harm? Tried to destroy my very being? I forgive you. Without an apology or remorse or anything that shows some sort of regret or guilt. People who stood there, in their glory with a smug smile for having gotten away with everything they’ve done: forgiven. Because it was for me. For my peace of mind. Except it never brought me peace. It brought me back to ignoring the problem because I had “forgiven” it and moved on. Moving on is good, but forcing myself to try to forgive someone who wasn’t sorry was probably the most toxic thing I could do to myself. Now, I am not saying this strategy doesn’t work. It just didn’t work for me. It caused me so much more harm than good because deep down I knew it was undeserving. This was probably where I was at my most depressed and most anxious, having the most flashbacks and being affected so negatively by my decision to forgive people who deserved a baseball bat to the face. I forced myself to do something I shouldn’t have done in the name of mental health and it turned out to be, for me, the most detrimental. At the time, I didn’t know it. I thought there was something wrong with me and there was. I was being so inauthentic to dismissive to my feelings just to move on the way people told me to, that it caused me the most turmoil. I acknowledged all this pain, all these horrific situations. I sat in them. I relived them. I refelt everything plus the extras that come with doing this inner work and I pretended to want to forgive people who I should never have allowed to hurt me so tremendously in the first place. That led me to phase 4.

My phase 4: Forgiving myself. Good Lord- this phase took the longest. This phase was by far the hardest. This phase is never ending because even when you think you learned a lesson, you’ve moved past the issue you have with yourself, something else will pop up and you will have to learn to forgive yourself all over again. This shouldn’t even be a phase- it should be a called a lifelong journey, but it  starts out as a phase because, well, you have to start somewhere. This is the most important phase. It spirals into self-respect, self-acceptance, self-care, and ultimately, genuine self-love. You can’t truly love yourself if you are always angry and blaming yourself. You can’t truly love yourself if you speak negatively to yourself for the situations you have lived through, whether they were out of your control or of your own doing. You can’t truly love yourself until you have given yourself the room and space to acknowledge your pain, your emotions, your thoughts, your actions, but also, your strength, your impeccable courage to even get to this point, your bright shining light and beautiful heart. You have to remember, that even in all the ugly, you are and your soul is, indeed, beautiful and worthy. We have all made mistakes, some that may have caused intense harm to others, some intentionally, some unintentionally. We have all been harmed by others, some intentionally, some unintentionally. But to get to a place of true self love and happiness, you have to put in the work to change, and that begins with forgiving yourself for all the harm you have caused, all the harm you allowed, and all the harm you may have been subject to that was absolutely not your fault. It is important to be so transparent and honest with yourself in deciphering the difference. 

For example: Being sexually assaulted- not my fault.

Being in an abusive relationship and staying for so long: partly my fault despite the manipulation that had me so confused and so brainwashed. But more so, not my fault.

Being abusive towards someone because I refused to acknowledge my own pain: my fault. 

Being betrayed by a toxic friend: not my fault

Entering another toxic relationship and allowing it to carry on for years: partly my fault because “I should have known better” but not my fault because I really didn’t.

Being in an abusive work environment: not my fault.

Being subjected to abusive behavior by disgusting individuals who have no capacity to ever change because their evil souls will not allow it: not my fault. 

By starting to see my role in the situations I needed to heal from, it gave me the strength to see where I personally needed to grow without self-loathing. I reminded myself I have a lot to learn and a far path to walk. I allowed myself the time and space to do so, and as situations continuously pop up, I give myself the room to feel and think. I give myself the room to evaluate how my part will play into the end result of this situation or conflict. Sometimes, I still get mad at myself. Sometimes, I still talk negatively to myself when things don’t turn out positively, which is why this is the never ending phase, but at least I don’t hate myself enough to think I deserve terrible people doing terrible things to me anymore. 

Now, I want to make sure whoever is reading this or listening to this understands something. What I am saying, the process I am expressing is for people who genuinely have good hearts. Anything I write or talk about doesn’t count for evil people who instill pain for fun. People with such ugly hearts won’t go through any life altering process that will make them better human beings. Which now leads me to my current state of forgiveness.

Phase 5: You don’t have to forgive everyone to move forward and thrive in your life.  Forgive the deserving. And that’s it. You can let portions of the anger live inside if you need to, because at the end of the day, you are entitled to be furious at people who intentionally act like monsters. You are allowed to be sad over situations and events in the past. You are allowed to curl your lip at sickening, repulsive people who do not deserve to be forgiven, especially if they haven’t asked for it. These people do not care for forgiveness. They just care about your demise, and you are entitled to have feelings about that. You can, most certainly, not forgive someone and move on. 

I do not forgive the sexual predators who thought it was ok to touch my body without permission. And who even disrespected it when I said no, repeatedly. 

I do not forgive the men I trusted to treat me with love and care but met me with abusive angry hands and words.

I do not forgive the family who allowed and blamed such abusive behavior on me. I do not forgive anyone who did not care to listen to me and turned their backs.

I do not forgive the friends who used my life as entertainment or the friends I trusted with my whole heart but betrayed me for their own sick benefit. I will never forgive the friends who disrespected my kindness with loathsome actions.

I will not forgive the boss who tried to tear apart my confidence when I know what a wonderful job I do for my students. I also do not forgive the boss I worked so hard for that ignored my pleas for help. 

I do not forgive the strangers who so willingly try to discredit my authentic character because they are incapable of living a meaningful life. 

I do not have to forgive anyone who is not sorry. What I have to do is give myself the few minutes I need to feel my feelings, ones I am absolutely entitled to, and not let it affect my everyday. This way I am not stifling or ignoring or suppressing the parts of my story and disrespecting myself in the process. I respect myself enough to acknowledge what has happened to me. I love myself enough to not let it get in the way of what I have set out for. That is the difference. 

This is how I tackle forgiveness. This is what works for me, what keeps me authentic, honest, and transparent, not only with myself, but with everyone I come in contact with. This may not work for everyone, and that is ok. You have to find your own process. The only thing I can suggest, if your really want to make positive changes in your life, is make sure you are so honest, so raw, so open with yourself about who you are and your circumstances. If you lie to yourself, you’ll never grow or evolve into a better version of yourself. The work is hard. But so worth it.