Dating in 2024. https://podcasters.spotify.com/pod/show/lenigian/episodes/Dating-in-2024–oh-no-e2mjf89

Here we are again, plunged back in the dating world. Only this time, I am doing it as a mom. Good Lord. You know, it’s funny, because I still have the same outlook as I did when I was in the dating world 10 years ago. The only difference is that I am less tolerant because I am older and
“Not in this decade” and “ I don’t have time for this” is a things for me as a solo parent. 

But heavy on the “not in this fucking decade” because we are not tolerating the crap we used to in our 20s and 30s, in our 40s. Nope. 

So what’s the same?  Men, still, even in their 40s, are still just as juvenile and indecisive as they were in their 30s. It’s not cute to still be a fuckboy in your 40s. Seriously. 

I get it. Some of them are in their spiraling phase because they are recently divorced or they’re still blaming that  relationship they got cheated on in 6th grade, so they cheated on everyone they’ve dated their entire adult lives- they view and treat women like shit. I am not saying it isn’t traumatic, to be cheated on- It is. Trust me. I’ve been cheated on in every single relationship I have been in, so no, I don’t particularly trust anyone. To really be violated in that way, for your body to be disregarded, your trust, your love, your investment in someone who pretended to be someone they’re not, its hard and hurtful and changes your outlook on love. 

But people come into new relationships viewing the new person like the old one, the one that hurt them. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said, I didn’t do that- stop putting it on me…

And men- men are way worse than women in this respect. It’s time to heal, sirs.

Also, I haven’t come across, not one, consistent, kind, authentic man that knows what he wants and actually acts like a masculine man. And when I say masculine man, I don’t mean toxic. I mean that in the providing, leading, loving, caring, protecting type of masculine. Not the controlling, emotionless, abusive type. There’s a huge difference between the two and I think men and women alike would benefit by learning the difference. 

One thing I have noticed is men coming at you with: never married, no kids, at like 49 is a badge of honor. As though being a divorcee or a single parent is a downgrade or a burden.

It’s like “Sir- 1) either no one wanted to marry you because you suck at being a partner 2) you were so indecisive or a lifelong bachelor that you couldn’t fathom putting the time and energy into choosing one person to build a life with or 3) life just got in the way- which is fine because it happens, especially when we don’t date the right people. But my money is on 1 or 2.

And it’s even funnier when they judge you for being, not only, a single mom but a solo parent- as if it is YOUR fault the man you trusted to be the father he pretended he was going to be, ended up being an abuser that you escaped and protected your child from. Like, why am I being judged for being the healthy parent that does everything she needs for her son? Judge the man that doesn’t do what he is supposed to, not me. It’s amazing how judgemental men that only see their kids 4 days a month will be, if they have them. And the ones that don’t think parenting is the same as having a dog. No, sir- no thank you.

And then you have the younger ones- the ones that like older women because we have our shit together and the best snacks. Take yourself home to your mom, child. I’m not interested in mothering another manchild looking for a stepping stone to get ahead in life. It’s rough out there, really it is, and men, at lesson some of the ones I have come across use women as just that: a stepping stone. My son’s dad thought I was going to take a 2nd mortgage out on MY home and hand it over for him to start a business, and we weren’t even together- delulu much?

You know, I’m a little too understanding for my own good. That’s something I am working on. I’m working on not being so empathetic, not giving people the benefit of the doubt, not giving second chances. People know exactly what the fuck they’re doing- and I am learning to believe them when they show me who they are. I am also learning not to fall for potential. I accept people, I always have, for exactly who they are and giving them their own space to grow, but I am watching very carefully when they don’t do the same for me. If I get even the slightest whiff of nonreciprocity, I am out. Not in this decade. And not because I am selfish; because I am tired. Tired of the same story of people never giving me the type of treatment I deserve. I am tired of being tested, overlooked, blamed, used, for whatever reason. I am definitely getting better at not giving anyone more time and energy than they deserve. I’m gonna get so good at it that I’ll probably die alone, but if that means I live the rest of my days in happiness and peace- so be it. 

I really do think there are some great guys out there, really I do, I just haven’t quite found one I can be like aww man-  I wish that would have worked out. Not 1. Just emotionally unavailable men that misrepresent themselves for whatever reason and then blame you for calling them out or walking away. I’m sure there are dudes out there cursing my name because I said “I hope you find what you’re looking for” or “it was nice meeting you- good luck.” 

But until I find someone willing to open up and actually be the person the portray themselves to be, I think I’ll just stay alone. It’s nice not having someone’s dusty ass son stress me out. 

Thanks for listening- this is Life with Leni.